Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Me

change

Thu, 28 Jan 2010 22:24:42 GMT

so i have my own website. will i leave here and just blog there? no. i am a faithful lj fiend. there will just be something else - another string to my bow. its under a different name and more mainstream me - this will always be what it is. this is - purer me. with purest me always kept private even to my nearest and dearest.

what do i want?

Thu, 21 Jan 2010 00:18:45 GMT

do i want flesh? that bleeding mass and knife on sinew?
or
do i want the soul and the spirit revelation?
no...
i want to eat your heart and see god.

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 02:02:39 GMT

this world you will never be a part of
always apart
never a part
its pain
its fuck you in the ass with glass
beautiful fragments with blood
you will never get that
you are too whole

Annoyed

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 22:12:13 GMT

Just came on here - must have been a recent blue moon - only to find my lj is looking stupid due to photobucket (where i had the background picture stored) deciding to delete my account - ahhhhhh! So its now black until further notice.

disco stick

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 18:09:14 GMT

i do find lady gaga somewhat totally unappealing. i like her music and all but - nope would never go there. its a bit like a cheese sandwich wrapped in pretty foil.

other things have happened - some things of note - most things i can't note. perhaps i should go back to private again. why do i always feel the need to be so censored? maybe one day i will be free.

please

heaven

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 23:38:57 GMT

heaven forbid that something new comes along and your whole world is rocked
do not let it in
don't feel
hide away, and wait until you are told the exact way in which you should proceed.

big bird

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 21:48:16 GMT

i hate it when i am a tit

bigger

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 21:58:30 GMT

somewhere other than the beyond of now i conquer
i could try with now but i am not bothered
its all the same
bbb
street signs neon nothingness
bright lights and emptiness
i'm so happy
i'm a star
so far out
i'm far
x

Belief

Tue, 19 May 2009 21:28:48 GMT

My life has been tainted and enriched with belief in equal measure.
I am not sure what belief is. Is it thinking something to be true without evidence? Is it thinking a reason?
I may think a thing, then stuff happens and it seems to support it. How much evidence do i take? What makes a reason a cause?
I will never go out of my mind, though in my mind i may often go out of this world.

other halves

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 21:42:43 GMT

The other half is out of the country. Apparently the pattern is supposed to be: acute missing, followed by resentment, moving on to coping, developing into realising can live without.

So far I am stuck in the acute missing. That is not going to change. My pattern is more - acute missing tempered with trying to cope and realising can't live without.

Its not that i am bored. Its not that i can't function on my own. I can do that damn well. I just like having him around. I like sharing everything. I like hearing him come in the front door and being pleased to see me. I like tripping over his shoes, and discussing what to have for dinner.

I miss all those and a million other things. But mostly I miss his smell, the touch of his skin and the way he looks when he smiles at me.

xxx

i thought...

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 00:44:12 GMT

all these blessed years it was words
but
it might have been music

it's just notes at the end of the day

and if you get that

i'd probably love you

x

the end a year on

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 23:41:21 GMT

I can't believe it's been a year now since he died. It was a year on Saturday. I thought it would be the worst day ever. But actually it was ok. The day before was hard, and today hasn't been brilliant. But I am still here, and mostly I am happy. I never expected to make it this far - not by miles, but I have, and I have a lot to be thankful for, and people to be thankful to. So thank you people. x

I see a man with two faces

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 01:36:22 GMT

I love myself, I am my greatest lover and my harshest critic. The only person I believe in is myself, the only voice that I really care to hear is my own, The only words that really ring true, mine. I am my only god. I write for myself, i love to see how clever i am with words and with people. There is no other god but me.

I cherish and value my own judgements above and beyond all others. I am not arrogant, and I abhor ego, I seek to eradicate it in myself whenever i see it. Ego needs another person to validate it, arrogance too is dependent on somehow believing anyone elses voice to matter.

There is nothing more important to me than these moments when full of self loathing i discover or enable another part of me to flourish, I go through this endless cycle of destruction to build my ultimate dream. I want to live the truest person I am. I want to be all that I can - to stretch my life out like a skin being prepared to be leathered pinned down and taut. I want it to hurt a little, and I want all that hurt to be for my good. For my growth. I seek out ways in which I can improve, and may it never be enough. I do not believe in limits in me. I am all things and I can be all things that I wish.

There are many things that I am not. This is because I do not wish to be them. I could be famous, or thin, or some how worldly brilliant, but this is not my purpose, right now, that is not where i am supposed to be. I am supposed to be right here, and right now, and I know that because it feels totally right. If it stops feeling even for a fleeting second to be right, i will change, myself, my situation whatever is in the way will move for me.

This is not to say i am self absorbed in some strange normal minded way. I value other people. I am entirely absorbed in becoming exactly who i can be, and there is simply nothing else of greater importance to me.

Perhaps everyone else feels this way, perhaps when it boils down to it that is what each person is actually about? i doubt it. I'm sure in my research of people i would have found far more who echoed my thoughts. Through endless discussions with hundreds of people i would have found that common ground, it is my primary interest and like would have attracted like in another because that is the basis of growth. But that has not been the case. I do not believe it is because I am failing to understand other people, I believe it is because they are failing to be themselves.

I don't care about this although it pisses me off.

Really i am actually rather glad to quite be alone in this - it adds to my feeling of singular purpose. The fact that I am and am not means that I am a one and not a million. Once i have learned to be the one, I can really be the million, That is the way i believe it to work. Once i have learned to become the perfect me i will be everyone. its a simple logic, and it feels like home.

Note: yes other people do feel a like this - just not many, and yes I use capitals and lowercase for the word i - fucks your head up don't it!

so,

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 23:32:47 GMT

i started the openness of this blog thing, thinking that what the heck, i would just say what the hell i liked and to whatever with whoever had a problem with it.
then i started to care.
which is ok...
until you have things in your head to get out and the perfect place to say it,
but you care
you know?

also, i have noticed that i seem to be updating around the 20th of each month. this must mean that my need to express my tripe to the world comes in monthly cycles = lunar = the word lunacy = go figure!

idiocy

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 14:13:33 GMT

Sometimes i act like a total idiot. i am becoming ok with that. i don't have to be perfect, and more importantly and recently discovered - i cannot be perfect - perfect does not exist - thats taken me years to accept.

graduation

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 09:50:38 GMT

so, i have graduated from mental school. which means that i am no longer going to counselling. partly because i can't afford £30 per week to talk to some woman about nothing and partly because the whole thing felt like a giant waste of time.
i was honest, i told her the truth every time, but i never ever cried. so what was the point? apparently i am quite amazing. due to the fact that if i am told a new way of doing something i just do it - nike style. that is true. i may procrastinate in pretty much every other area of my life but when it comes to changing my mind to do something which is better for me - i can do that right away. i think i am a person in reverse. all the things other people find hard i find really easy and all things normal people can do - i have more trouble with.
well whatever - its over, through and done. i am not mental, not at all, more sane than most even, and i would dare to suggest more sorted than my actual counsellor. which is always what happens - i knew it, i knew it would turn out this way. but hey ho being right is not such a bad thing now is it!

the end...

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 20:26:50 GMT

apparently the world might end tomorrow
hhahahhahahhahaaa
that hasn't happened for a while
meh pft gak

x

purge in pixels

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 13:53:59 GMT

well, i am feeling better day to day. had a very intense (and drunken on my part) conversation with my better half - boyf not other mindedness, which resulted in me actually feeling some pain. i need to feel the pain, as i do spend a vast amount of my time not - not feeling anything but totally happy or numb - which is probably not all that good. but briefly i did - i felt it all for a moment - then i reigned the tears back in which resulted in the boyf saying "you bitch", because i got control again. always with me too much control.
first real counseling session is on friday. i guess that is what will happen there - them forcing me to face pain - me melting in parts and refusing to in more parts. its less of a prostitute for my tears situation and perhaps more of visiting a dominatrix for my tears - quite why i have to explain everything to myself in terms of sex i don't know, but i do, and i know you love me for it.
i am ill at the moment - horrid flu like thing which means i have no energy, constant indigestion, and frequent bathroom visits - and i hate it, i hate being ill. i should be sorting out my spare room, i should be sorting out my old life to let the new one in, but i can't right now so i am blasting my ears with lots of good new music and bloging my little socks off instead. and as always writing dull poetry. i can't remember a time when i didn't write. well i can - i was about 0 - 12 but i have very little memory from back then. perhaps that is the purpose of the dull poetry so that i can remember something - perhaps if i didn't write at all my life would be a blank behind me? these little mementos of my past, scraps of paper, oblique references in diaries, this rubbish on my lj and small saved files on my external hd - they are my link - my missing links, and the only record of my mind. i take a lot of photos too - they are all on my facebook. i purge in pixels.

headphone times

regain again
briefly
a moment
to splice into real life
dark drums like the ones i once heard in africa
over in my mind
souls
eternal
and there is always so much heat
want some sun
and i used to be cool
and the opposites are always the same
and the lack
there is always one
and i have it
knife blade through cardiac
arrest it
contest it
i don't think you can
i think its necessary
but
in alone times
in secret times
i wish for more
headphone times

Creation Saturation

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 22:41:57 GMT

Does everyone get this when you've put out all that is reflected after putting stuff in? That time when there is nothing left of worth inside of you, and you realise that what you need is some serious input.

I don't think i have anything left in me right now but a few snide remarks and brain fluff – its a dust ball of intentions in there.

I'm not complaining though, don't get me wrong – don't ever get me wrong, because then there would be no point in me writing this and you reading it – i like this place. Its like the end credits of a film when it fades to black and you are sat there with the feeling of – now what?

I love the feeling of now what, because it means everything has to start over. From here on in the world is changed by my need for new perception. The world only exists for me, for any of us in what we perceive therefore right now its gone. I am alone with a whole ashtray full of badly rolled butts and no new words.

I have about 5 books on the go, which would be a start for new input, but they are in the other room and i can't go and get them. I also have films to watch that will stir the imaginings, and blogs to read. I read my favourite blog just now, and i realised just how much good writing is not in print. I like that, i have to seek to find it, not in a library but in the whole wide world of text. Text and pixels have become more of a part of my life than i ever dared dream that they would, and this makes me eternally happy.

I am happy right now, and soon it will be the apparently the luckiest day of the year. Of forever if you believe it.

I've just completed another mix that i think is even better than the last one i bleated on about, and although i've not written anything, i do feel productive. I am making over myself, like Cher in Clueless. I am finally going for some counseling. To a prostitute for my tears. I can go and cry and pay someone to listen to me, they can't tell anyone else what i say (though of course if its interesting and juicy they will tell their friends, spouses and colleagues - but i can pretend i am anonymous and really don't have anything fun to say) and this feels me with a sense of freedom. I am a control freak of the highest order, I cannot breakdown, I need this small space and time to allow out all the grief. I don't let it out – ever. When it comes into my mind i push it away and do something else, like go out or watch a movie or listen to music etc. I keep making things, i keep making my life happen and i won't stop to let myself mend. This is how i cope. This is not wrong, this is just my way, and now it is time to find the space to let the salt water flow. I didn't think i'd need to – i thought that perhaps i would be able to carry on this way and never deal with anything, obviously i was wrong, and as i don't mind being wrong its all gravy.

So we will see how it goes. Every other time i have ever gone to a counselor it has been rather pointless because they have agreed with me that i was depressed or whatever because my life was rubbish and that the only thing that would change it would be if my life changed and that i really wasn't in a place to change it any more than i was already, so i was quite right to be down and they would be too if they were me and that i was actually coping better than they would be. But this time i don't need that kind of help. I just need to be able to offload to someone who isn't affected by my life. I know that no body can make it go away or make me feel better by talking to me – its just a case of an ear. Thats why i have begun to thing of it as hiring a prostitute for my tears. Just a simple financial transaction for a service i require. I will tell them this of course. I won't lie, it will be quite fun.

In the meantime, i will chill tonight and watch old black and white horror films with my beloved and melt in the too hotness of my own flesh and drink coke and maybe even eat a bit, between copious amounts of fags natrually.

Yours mostly truly

myself x

ps:

My zen works alphabetically

it is the kind of random non randomness that does it for me.

I hope that when i even out my lows i don't lose my highs.

I like tiny shoes in my hallway

and new footprints in my heart.

Pinball Apprentice

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 02:04:31 GMT

Pinball Apprentice

and i thought i saw you flicker

in the nearly there starry ever after

of my x-ray external vision

but really i was daring to dream

and reaching out beyond

all thoughts

more desperate claws grasping

empty air

open mouthed and muted

wordless soundless screams

of mutant regret

seas of inky black midnight

washing ever encroaching

insipidly eroding

the erudite flesh

mediocrity reigns

or so it seems

and the excellent mind

excused drifts somnambulist like

curling itself amongst questions

clinging for comfort and spinning

webs to trap itself

to try and save itself

to stop me

and i will go on

less

with more of that flesh less of that mind

thats what it takes

and desert winds of warm breezes

orange sky and melting luminary

guide the path

like looming gnomes of yesteryear

hideous in their characterized humour

there are no eyes here

just sockets

and that everlasting stench

is the memory that keeps it all alive

beautifully putrid

the sweetness of decay

pure sugar in the making

a treacle of the soul

great dj

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 23:47:22 GMT

ok - so i now dj - not brilliantly but i dj. and i love it. i love it so much that i want the whole world to hear me. well actually not. i mean its not very me is it to actually allow any art i have done to really be broadcast to the whole world. but let me share it with you in words.

tonight i have completed a mix that i think angel would have been proud of - and that is saying a lot. it will never get heard by anyone who is not currently sat in this room with me (thats one other human and a cat) but i know that i can do it, and it fills me with joy. i have a sense of accomplishment, a sense of art made, and a satisfied feeling of having learned a new skill.

i am pleased beyond words - and i am enjoying music again, really loving it. nothing moves me like that. nothing. (well almost!)

black holes and revelations

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 15:31:08 GMT

...just enough

same washed up on a beach of no belief

the sea like my hope is too far out

and its all sinking mud to get there

disbelief shore

why did i chose to tease myself

living where the tides

ebb more

its always such a long time between drowning here

and i'm dried up

i don't know what it feels like anymore

i don't know if it will be enough anymore

and love

is like a tickle

or a trickle

of life

a splice

just a bit nice even

just a bit of a ray

just a bit of sun

i just want to sail away with the moon

but its always daylight here

and i'm not sure i even trust my dreams

so arid life

no sea

no rain

deserted

and i count grains of sand

because it still feels like all i have is sand song and words

and its really not getting any different

but i'll stay just desperate enough

just intrigued enough

just stubborn enough

just enough

enough to keep on with this suffer.

...plenty

and then the sun melts the ice

and water flows

and then the rain comes

and all is full of love

and the fire orb is king

bringer

and i love again

and it feels eternal

and i believe

and its more than enough

it is the land of plenty

i want to stay here.

clearing out my closet

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 11:02:57 GMT

Trips to the tip today to declutter my life of things i really don't need.
Thought it might be emotional but its not
at the end of the day rubbish is rubbish
and clearing out is good for the soul
can i kick it? yes you can...

more than 28 days later

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 18:28:20 GMT

so i haven't blogged in a while - i am lazy - i am a lazy lady - it says so on my t-shirt

things are ok
i smoke too much
i don't drink enough
i don't tidy enough
i clean too much
and things are ok

tomorrow would have been angels birthday and i don't know how i feel about it
i am taking his mum out for a bit cos i think it will hit her harder
but it might hit me too
it did the other day - well something hit me - i'm not sure what and i was horrid and rubbish and clumsy for all day
it goes like that
comes and goes

and maybe one day it will be gone

shoes

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 17:00:00 GMT

i want some shoes they are so hot
from alternative-footwear.co.uk
high heeled oxford shoes called 'revenge'
i will rule in those shoes
word x