prozactualise

I am healthily self obsessed.

My life is about me. No one else. My experience is the whole point of my existence. i am interested in other people, in what they say, think and do. Other people can change the way i see things, but actually my life is about me.

Things are supposed to change and affect you, make you grow, contract, impact - depending on how you take it.

I want to be a mother. This has not happened to me yet. I am interested in this experience. I want to know how it will change me, what kind of parent i will be. I don't know when or if this will ever happen, but its one goal that i hold dear. I want a child - i want to learn what it is like to spawn a being from your own flesh - what would they be like? I know i'd do my best at making their life the best i could, at making them as whole as i can influence. I am interested in how this will work - if this will work.

i want to change my job. i want my focus to be more technical and less on people. I've done that lots now and i want to see if i enjoy the data more. I have applied for a job that will enable this. The results of me getting this job will be many fold - i will earn more which will allow me to afford to pay for a child almost entirely by myself, not that i wouldn't value and accept the boyfriends contribution, but i want to at least be able to do equal in providing. But also it will allow me to get back into the career that i had before i was made redundant and became a career / housewife all those years ago.

I'd like to think if it as getting back on track.

its nearly the end of the year.
i've nearly given up smoking.

i've nearly changed my whole direction

i've scattered myself far and wide. the only way i know to express my whole is in the form of a mosaic

and i've lost. and i've lost before, and its been huge, and it still gives me nightmares

i won't go quietly - i was singing it to myself this morning - little did i know - head songs could foretell - latterly i am still here

so i have my own website. will i leave here and just blog there? no. i am a faithful lj fiend. there will just be something else - another string to my bow. its under a different name and more mainstream me - this will always be what it is. this is - purer me. with purest me always kept private even to my nearest and dearest.

do i want flesh? that bleeding mass and knife on sinew?
or
do i want the soul and the spirit revelation?
no...
i want to eat your heart and see god.

this world you will never be a part of
always apart
never a part
its pain
its fuck you in the ass with glass
beautiful fragments with blood
you will never get that
you are too whole

Just came on here - must have been a recent blue moon - only to find my lj is looking stupid due to photobucket (where i had the background picture stored)  deciding to delete my account - ahhhhhh! So its now black until further notice.

i do find lady gaga somewhat totally unappealing. i like her music and all but - nope would never go there. its a bit like a cheese sandwich wrapped in pretty foil.

other things have happened - some things of note - most things i can't note. perhaps i should go back to private again. why do i always feel the need to be so censored? maybe one day i will be free.

please

heaven forbid that something new comes along and your whole world is rocked
do not let it in
don't feel
hide away, and wait until you are told the exact way in which you should proceed.

i hate it when i am a tit